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now i don't feel so bad

4 [+ / -]     Jan 18, 2010

  • Asian Guy 1: So, what do you eat at home? Do you guys really eat Mongolian beef and shit?
  • Asian Guy 2: Dude! I'm Korean!
  • Asian Guy 1: Oh... um...
  • Asian Guy 2: What are you, anyway?
  • Asian Guy 1: I'm Japanese!

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but do you spit or swallow the splinters?

2 [+ / -]     Jan 07, 2010

  • Drunk Guy: Hey, do you chop wood?
  • Flannel Shirt Guy: Half in my mouth.
  • Drunk Guy: Wait... what?

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maybe she had the flu

1 [+ / -]     Dec 03, 2009

  • Guy: I got fired the other day. Some woman ordered the pork so I take it to the table and say, "Here's your swine, ma'am." And she complained to the manager. But that what swine means. It's a pig. I looked it up!

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which is somehow directly proportional to laziness

4 [+ / -]     Nov 20, 2009

  • Girl on Cell: But mom, you have to pick me up, I'm too famous to walk!

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what about bananas?

3 [+ / -]     Nov 13, 2009

  • Girl: My apple is too hard.
  • Guy: As in, difficult?
  • Girl: No, as in firm. I like my apples flaccid!

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...and my butt is still sore

-1 [+ / -]     Oct 29, 2009

  • Guy: I think I got roofied one time. It was at Bluepointe. Next thing I knew, I woke up at this chick's place and she was all like "Are you okay? I think you drank a roofied drink that was meant for me." It was the worst hangover ever.

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measure twice, cut once

2 [+ / -]     Sep 03, 2009

  • Dancer: You have nice long teeth. I used to have long teeth, but I thought they were too long so I had 'em filed down. But then I gained weight in my face. Now my teeth are too small.

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only one?

7 [+ / -]     Aug 27, 2009

  • Guy 1: I like a wholesome girl.
  • Guy 2: I like a girl with a hole.

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and your buddy's shoes

7 [+ / -]     Aug 24, 2009

  • (After walking out of the shadows behind a building)
  • Drunk Guy: Underdog law, I now own that bank.

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don't get her started on splenda

12 [+ / -]     Aug 12, 2009

  • Middle aged mom: (referring to a 5-hour energy shot) Don't ever drink these. They will make your brain bleed. They will kill you.
  • Little Boy: Okay.
  • Cashier: How can I help you, ma'am?
  • Middle aged mom: Yeah, can I get a carton of Camels, unfiltered?

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among other things

13 [+ / -]     Jun 21, 2009

  • (Two researchers are outside their building taking a smoke break)
  • Researcher 1: You know, I hear Splenda's bad for you.

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not what a girl wants

10 [+ / -]     Jun 12, 2009

  • (Two ten year old girls looking at a scandalous picture of Christina Aguilera at Borders)
  • Girl 1: When I get older, I want to dress like that.
  • Girl 2: Whore.

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in a past life, maybe?

19 [+ / -]     Mar 26, 2009

  • Drunk Girl: How old are you?
  • Bartender cleaning up her vomit: Twenty-six.
  • Drunk Girl: Have you ever been Twenty-four?

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let's hope god's grammar is better than his sense

-5 [+ / -]     Mar 21, 2009

  • Crazy homeless lady: You shole do got good sense... gooder sense than God got.

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he's also very stylish and comes with his own allen wrench

9 [+ / -]     Mar 10, 2009

  • (On the way to Ikea)
  • Female coworker: Mmmm, I can't wait to eat some Swedish meatballs!
  • Male coworker: I didn't know your boyfriend was Swedish.

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