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or you could facebook stalk me later
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Mar 04, 2010
- Drunk Girl:
Do you want my number so you can creepily text me?
maybe you, but not the rest of us
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Mar 02, 2010
- Student 1:
We're eukaryote, right?
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Student 2: Yeah, we're eukaryotic. We're animals.
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Student 1: And we're unicellular? Or maybe just two cells?
how you know it's time to stop the olympics drinking game
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Feb 23, 2010
- Girl:
(watching Olympics) Wait, what do they speak in Denmark?
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Guy: German?
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Girl: No, I don't think so. Spanish? No that doesn't make sense. French? No. Yeah, maybe German.
for everything else, there's mastercard
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Feb 19, 2010
- Homeless Guy:
Do you have any spare change?
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Guy: Sorry, I don't have any cash.
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Homeless Guy: Do you have a credit card?
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(Guy stares blankly. Homeless Guy laughs and walks away)
sounds like a thriller night
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Feb 18, 2010
- Older Janitor:
I'm gonna go home, put a big ol' bag of ice in the bathtub, sit my ass down, and listen to Michael Jackson. Damn!
now i don't feel so bad
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Jan 18, 2010
- Asian Guy 1:
So, what do you eat at home? Do you guys really eat Mongolian beef and shit?
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Asian Guy 2: Dude! I'm Korean!
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Asian Guy 1: Oh... um...
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Asian Guy 2: What are you, anyway?
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Asian Guy 1: I'm Japanese!
but do you spit or swallow the splinters?
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Jan 07, 2010
- Drunk Guy:
Hey, do you chop wood?
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Flannel Shirt Guy: Half in my mouth.
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Drunk Guy: Wait... what?
maybe she had the flu
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Dec 03, 2009
- Guy:
I got fired the other day. Some woman ordered the pork so I take it to the table and say, "Here's your swine, ma'am." And she complained to the manager. But that what swine means. It's a pig. I looked it up!
which is somehow directly proportional to laziness
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Nov 20, 2009
- Girl on Cell:
But mom, you have to pick me up, I'm too famous to walk!
what about bananas?
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Nov 13, 2009
- Girl:
My apple is too hard.
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Guy: As in, difficult?
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Girl: No, as in firm. I like my apples flaccid!
...and my butt is still sore
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Oct 29, 2009
- Guy:
I think I got roofied one time. It was at Bluepointe. Next thing I knew, I woke up at this chick's place and she was all like "Are you okay? I think you drank a roofied drink that was meant for me." It was the worst hangover ever.
measure twice, cut once
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Sep 03, 2009
- Dancer:
You have nice long teeth. I used to have long teeth, but I thought they were too long so I had 'em filed down. But then I gained weight in my face. Now my teeth are too small.
only one?
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Aug 27, 2009
- Guy 1:
I like a wholesome girl.
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Guy 2: I like a girl with a hole.
and your buddy's shoes
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Aug 24, 2009
- (After walking out of the shadows behind a building)
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Drunk Guy: Underdog law, I now own that bank.
don't get her started on splenda
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Aug 12, 2009
- Middle aged mom:
(referring to a 5-hour energy shot) Don't ever drink these. They will make your brain bleed. They will kill you.
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Little Boy: Okay.
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Cashier: How can I help you, ma'am?
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Middle aged mom: Yeah, can I get a carton of Camels, unfiltered?