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or you could facebook stalk me later

3 [+ / -]     Mar 04, 2010

  • Drunk Girl: Do you want my number so you can creepily text me?

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maybe you, but not the rest of us

0 [+ / -]     Mar 02, 2010

  • Student 1: We're eukaryote, right?
  • Student 2: Yeah, we're eukaryotic. We're animals.
  • Student 1: And we're unicellular? Or maybe just two cells?

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how you know it's time to stop the olympics drinking game

3 [+ / -]     Feb 23, 2010

  • Girl: (watching Olympics) Wait, what do they speak in Denmark?
  • Guy: German?
  • Girl: No, I don't think so. Spanish? No that doesn't make sense. French? No. Yeah, maybe German.

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for everything else, there's mastercard

15 [+ / -]     Feb 19, 2010

  • Homeless Guy: Do you have any spare change?
  • Guy: Sorry, I don't have any cash.
  • Homeless Guy: Do you have a credit card?
  • (Guy stares blankly. Homeless Guy laughs and walks away)

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sounds like a thriller night

-2 [+ / -]     Feb 18, 2010

  • Older Janitor: I'm gonna go home, put a big ol' bag of ice in the bathtub, sit my ass down, and listen to Michael Jackson. Damn!

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now i don't feel so bad

5 [+ / -]     Jan 18, 2010

  • Asian Guy 1: So, what do you eat at home? Do you guys really eat Mongolian beef and shit?
  • Asian Guy 2: Dude! I'm Korean!
  • Asian Guy 1: Oh... um...
  • Asian Guy 2: What are you, anyway?
  • Asian Guy 1: I'm Japanese!

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but do you spit or swallow the splinters?

3 [+ / -]     Jan 07, 2010

  • Drunk Guy: Hey, do you chop wood?
  • Flannel Shirt Guy: Half in my mouth.
  • Drunk Guy: Wait... what?

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maybe she had the flu

0 [+ / -]     Dec 03, 2009

  • Guy: I got fired the other day. Some woman ordered the pork so I take it to the table and say, "Here's your swine, ma'am." And she complained to the manager. But that what swine means. It's a pig. I looked it up!

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which is somehow directly proportional to laziness

5 [+ / -]     Nov 20, 2009

  • Girl on Cell: But mom, you have to pick me up, I'm too famous to walk!

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what about bananas?

2 [+ / -]     Nov 13, 2009

  • Girl: My apple is too hard.
  • Guy: As in, difficult?
  • Girl: No, as in firm. I like my apples flaccid!

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...and my butt is still sore

-1 [+ / -]     Oct 29, 2009

  • Guy: I think I got roofied one time. It was at Bluepointe. Next thing I knew, I woke up at this chick's place and she was all like "Are you okay? I think you drank a roofied drink that was meant for me." It was the worst hangover ever.

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measure twice, cut once

4 [+ / -]     Sep 03, 2009

  • Dancer: You have nice long teeth. I used to have long teeth, but I thought they were too long so I had 'em filed down. But then I gained weight in my face. Now my teeth are too small.

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only one?

9 [+ / -]     Aug 27, 2009

  • Guy 1: I like a wholesome girl.
  • Guy 2: I like a girl with a hole.

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and your buddy's shoes

8 [+ / -]     Aug 24, 2009

  • (After walking out of the shadows behind a building)
  • Drunk Guy: Underdog law, I now own that bank.

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don't get her started on splenda

17 [+ / -]     Aug 12, 2009

  • Middle aged mom: (referring to a 5-hour energy shot) Don't ever drink these. They will make your brain bleed. They will kill you.
  • Little Boy: Okay.
  • Cashier: How can I help you, ma'am?
  • Middle aged mom: Yeah, can I get a carton of Camels, unfiltered?

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