Quotes Filed Under "At work"


$5 footlong, anyone?

-29 [+ / -]     May 15, 2008

  • Employee 1: My hair got stuck in my tongue ring last night. It hurt.
  • Employee 2: What the hell were you doing last night that got your hair in your mouth?
  • Employee 2: Not just last night, I was doing it 'till 5:30 AM!

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nurse strangled with stethoscope, story at 11:00

66 [+ / -]     May 14, 2008

  • Nurse: Doctor, I found a pair of panties in the hallway, and I think they might be yours.
  • Doctor: Haha, that's a good one.
  • Nurse: No, really. You know why I think they're yours?
  • Doctor: Okay, why?
  • Nurse: Because they were in a wad.

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"...i'll also need some lysol and a copy of playboy"

38 [+ / -]     May 05, 2008

  • (Cashier is ringing up a couple)
  • Girl: All I'm saying is that when you use the toilet at my place, don't leave stuff on the seat. I don't want a baby!
  • (Awkward pause while the cashier, guy, and girl exchange looks)
  • Cashier: Well, will this be all for today?

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good thing we just bought lolstraws.com

19 [+ / -]     May 04, 2008

  • I guess the Choochoo employees just needed something to get excited over.

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but considerably less good than it would without them

45 [+ / -]     Apr 28, 2008

  • (Three girls set three boxes of condoms on the counter. The cashier laughs)
  • Girl: We're not really weird! It's for a prank!
  • Cashier: That's one prank that'll feel real good.

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ask dwight

30 [+ / -]     Apr 26, 2008

  • Boss: Okay, so we have decided to take you all out for lunch for Administrative Professionals Day!
  • Administrative Professional: Oh great! Where are we going?
  • Boss: Well, you have to find someone to cover the office first.

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"...it's not my fault, i can't see anything without my glasses"

75 [+ / -]     Apr 25, 2008

  • Cop: Ma'am, do you realize that you went the wrong way through this one-way circle and that you're parked illegally?
  • Woman: I'm sorry, I didn't know.
  • Cop: Oh, I understand. Those giant white arrows are a little confusing.

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#17   i'd shake your hand, but...

21 [+ / -]     Apr 25, 2008

  • Stagehand: Between my television shows and all the Internet porn out there, it's really tough to get anything done during the day.

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introducing the new dumbass diet

-50 [+ / -]     Apr 22, 2008

  • Sorostitute: Yeah, I want to get the Bacon Cheese Burger. But I don't want, like, the lettuce and tomato and mayo and stuff.
  • Waitress: So, just the meat and the cheese?
  • Sorostitute: Yeah, and bacon.

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yeah, her eyes... let's go with that

46 [+ / -]     Apr 18, 2008

  • Six-year-old: Let's play! I'm the mama, and you're the baby.
  • Volunteer: Okay!
  • Six-year-old: Where do babies even come from? Do you buy them?
  • Volunteer: Uh...
  • Six-year-old: My mama said I popped out, but what does that even mean? Popped out of where? Like, her eyes?

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this might be the next tom cruise movie

75 [+ / -]     Apr 17, 2008

  • Ice Cream Guy: Do you want the cone or the show?
  • Girl: The show!
  • (Ice Cream Guy scoops ice cream, throws it ten feet in the air, catches it perfectly in cone, and hands it to her)
  • Girl: God, I love college!

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money for nothin', cable for free

22 [+ / -]     Apr 15, 2008

  • Charter Employee: You owe $127.33, ma'am.
  • Lady: What, you mean I gotta pay my bill?

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talk about drinking responsibly

38 [+ / -]     Apr 14, 2008

  • UPS Guy: I thought you were supposed to finish this shit last Friday!
  • Painter Guy: I was, but I started drinking at eleven thirty and it's never good to come into work drunk.

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