Quotes Filed Under "Drugs"


among other things

3 [+ / -]     Jun 21, 2009

  • (Two researchers are outside their building taking a smoke break)
  • Researcher 1: You know, I hear Splenda's bad for you.

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we were unaware that it wasn't already trendy

-31 [+ / -]     May 31, 2009

  • Stoner 1: Hey. Nice to meet you.
  • Stoner 2: Actually, I think I know you. Weren't you the guy smoking a bowl in the bathroom at Taco Stand?
  • Stoner 1: Yeah. I figure if I do it everyone else will do it, too.

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for when those pimples drive you crazy

-53 [+ / -]     May 26, 2009

  • Nurse: Are you still on the Differin?
  • Patient: No.
  • Nurse: Any new medicine?
  • Patient: Risperdal.
  • Nurse: Is that for acne?
  • Patient: No, it is an anti-psychotic.

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he's rocking his own stimulus package

137 [+ / -]     Mar 27, 2009

  • (Economics class is talking about California's plan to legalize marijuana for tax profits)
  • Professor: The government could get away with slapping a huge tax on pot because people would be willing to pay it. It's already expensive enough trying to sneak around and buy pot illegally.
  • (class is silent for 15-20 seconds)
  • Professor: I would assume.

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we wonder which one he is going to inhale

51 [+ / -]     Mar 23, 2009

  • Bum: (holding two balloons) Hey man. Hey! What's the difference between helium and nitrogen?
  • Drunk Guy 1: The atomic mass. Helium is 1, Nitrogen is 7.
  • Drunk Guy 2: One makes your voice high. One fuuuuuucks you up!
  • (Bum runs away)

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patriotism is a bit different down there

-71 [+ / -]     Mar 16, 2009

  • Stoned Kid: Ya know what's a nice place? New Zealand, and they're weathering this storm pretty well. I mean, all they do is fuck sheep. If it came down to choosing between nuclear holocaust and fucking sheep, I'm totally fucking the sheep.

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unless of course they're heroin muffins

133 [+ / -]     Mar 16, 2009

  • Professor: Really the only thing that grows in Afghanistan is poppies. And there are only three things you can do with poppies - make poppy seed bagels, poppy seed muffins, and make heroin. And you aren't going to make a lot of money from the muffins.

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he meant top-money, not your favorite

-46 [+ / -]     Mar 15, 2009

  • Economics Teacher: What's the top import in the United States?
  • Guy 1: Oil!
  • Girl: Cars!
  • Guy 2: Marijuana!

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so that's the secret ingredient

87 [+ / -]     Mar 02, 2009

  • Stoner Guy 1: Dude, popcorn would be awesome right now.
  • Stoner Guy 2: No dude, pizza would be good right now.
  • Stoner Girl: Neither. Penis would be good right now.
  • Stoner Guys: (looking at each other) What?!
  • Stoner Girl: (pretending nothing happened) Yeah, let's order Gumby's.

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they have drugs for that, too

70 [+ / -]     Feb 22, 2009

  • Girl 1: You know, I don't like being alone. It scares me. Except when I smoke pot, 'cause then I hear voices and I'm not lonely.
  • Girl 2: You hear voices when you're stoned?
  • Girl 1: Yeah! They just chat! It's like being at a little party!

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performing in a circus tent or holding it up, but we're not sure which

-47 [+ / -]     Feb 09, 2009

  • Guy 1: Dude, I just took four Viagra. What's that gonna do to me?
  • (Guy 2 simply looks and shrugs)

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he's a bit unclear on the other half of the word

73 [+ / -]     Jan 08, 2009

  • Fratty 1: I don't like percocets. They don't work and they make my butt itch.
  • Fratty 2: What do you mean they make your butt itch?
  • Fratty 1: The pharmacist said they're analgesics.
  • Fratty 2: Do you know what that means?
  • Fratty 1: I know what anal means.

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now, back to our discussion about the size of uranus...

510 [+ / -]     Dec 24, 2008

  • Student: So where does Europium come from?
  • Chemistry Teacher: (slowly) I don't have any opium...

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yeah, with that girl over there

35 [+ / -]     Dec 15, 2008

  • Girl: (to friend) So I'm just gonna like take some Adderall, study like fucking hell, and stay up all night until I pass out.
  • Father: (eavesdropping, to daughter) So, um, do you have any studying to do?

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black people burn like hell

-17 [+ / -]     Dec 14, 2008

  • Guy 1: Dude, it still burns!
  • Guy 2: That is the last time I put anything up my nose that isn't white.

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i'm never eating at mcdonald's again

-29 [+ / -]     Dec 12, 2008

  • Guy: Yeah, basically you just do an Internet thing to learn how to cook everything. Its an easy job. You can come in high all the time.

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during the commercials, of course

114 [+ / -]     Dec 11, 2008

  • Girl 1: So how did that study session with that guy go last night?
  • Girl 2: I went to his place, he took a couple of hits off a huge bong, we fucked, and then watched the Boondock Saints.
  • Girl 1: Nice!
  • Girl 3: So when did you study?

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that's the last time i sign up for a class with dr. dre

12 [+ / -]     Dec 08, 2008

  • (Professor is taking about a quiz application on Facebook)
  • Professor: Some of you will find that you might be higher than how high you think you are.
  • (laughter)
  • Professor: I meant the results on the quiz!

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sounds like a brain buster

10 [+ / -]     Oct 22, 2008

  • Girl 1: I had no idea that cayenne pepper and ginseng had the same effects as Adderall... I need to go to the store.
  • Girl 2: Ew! Do you have to snort it? Wouldn't cayenne pepper hurt?

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it certainly gets around

-16 [+ / -]     Oct 20, 2008

  • Kid on cell: So is this weed skank, or what?

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little johnny still loves the rock

150 [+ / -]     Oct 19, 2008

  • (Mother and Son walk out of Best Buy where there is a booth set up for the D.A.R.E. program)
  • Lady at table: Have you heard about the D.A.R.E. program?
  • Mom: Yeah, and it didn't work.

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would you like to make it a fatty?

42 [+ / -]     Oct 09, 2008

  • (Guy is talking on his cell phone standing in line ordering a wrap)
  • Guy on cell: Yeah, lemme get some cheese. Yeah dude, alright. So he only sells dimes and quarters, but it's real cheap. And some jalapeños. Okay, that's straight. We'll chill later. Just go buy some.

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to help with concentration during sex

-80 [+ / -]     Oct 02, 2008

  • Girl 1: So I really need to go to the drug store.
  • Girl 2: Why?
  • Girl 1: I have to pick up my Adderall and birth control.

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if it ain't broke...

-4 [+ / -]     Sep 22, 2008

  • Hipster: I like Nyquil. But Nyquil with liquor in it? Kinda gross.

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it's true what they say about too much of a good thing

27 [+ / -]     Sep 17, 2008

  • (As he walks onto the elevator with a large cup of coffee)
  • Scenester: Adderall is killing my brain, dude... I can't even study.

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#25   he's working on his dissertation as we speak

33 [+ / -]     Sep 10, 2008

  • Homeless Guy: Excuse me, can you spare some change for some psychedelic research?

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which is nothing to joke about

28 [+ / -]     Jul 22, 2008

  • Guy: (dressed like The Joker) My Joker makeup is awesome! Except I had to take off my smile for now because I can't hit the bong with it on.

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horrible mental image for the day? check.

98 [+ / -]     Jul 21, 2008

  • Old woman: (referring to a dress in the juniors department) This is cute.
  • Old man: Is it a dress or a shirt?
  • Old woman: It's a babydoll dress. You know, like I used to wear.
  • Old man: Yeah, back in the day when I didn't need my blue pills.

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have you tried saving the environment... on weed?

42 [+ / -]     Jul 21, 2008

  • (On a tour of the new art building)
  • Art Instructor: And you can see that the graduate painting studios provide an excellent view of the "green roof."
  • Student: Oh, I wonder what's growing out there.
  • Art instructor: Drugs!

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we've all been there

-13 [+ / -]     Jun 12, 2008

  • (Two women standing outside a super market)
  • Woman: Open those cookies that we bought... so I can snort one.

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did you maybe lick one before class?

19 [+ / -]     May 22, 2008

  • (Professor pulls up picture of frog on the overhead)
  • Professor: Man! Look at that frog! I'd totally lick that.

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no wonder he's always so happy in class

189 [+ / -]     May 19, 2008

  • (Professor's cell phone rings mid-lecture)
  • Professor: (On phone, completely straight-faced) Two kilos.

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i think my opinion on healthcare reform just changed

12 [+ / -]     May 19, 2008

  • Guy: We lost a lot of epi-pens because someone left them out of the fridge the other day.
  • Girl: You don't have to refrigerate epi-pens.
  • Guy: Really? It might have been insulin.
  • Girl: Um, yeah, you have to refrigerate insulin.
  • Guy: I mean, what's the difference?
  • Girl: Seriously?
  • Guy: You laugh, but I'm the one filling your prescriptions.

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not the sort of thing most people would admit to

2 [+ / -]     May 17, 2008

  • Stoner 1: Hey, I wanna drag. Can I have a drag?
  • Stoner 2: Fine, just wrap your lips lightly around it when you suck.
  • Stoner 3: That's what he said.

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can you hear william wallace turning in his grave?

37 [+ / -]     May 10, 2008

  • Sociology Instructor: (talking about ideas) Where is the only place that you truly have freedom?
  • Dude: Amsterdam?

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you should be happy... why aren't you smiling?

57 [+ / -]     May 10, 2008

  • Girl 1: Ohmigod! Did I tell you what my parents are getting me for graduation? My first Botox injections!
  • Girl 2: Ohmigod! You are so lucky!

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the other two things aren't nearly as fun

102 [+ / -]     Apr 23, 2008

  • Professor: There were only two things that were burned during the 1960s. Does anyone know what those two things were?
  • Student: Pot?
  • Professor: Ok, three things then.

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that would explain the lack of appetite

236 [+ / -]     Mar 31, 2008

  • Girl on Cell: So all I had for lunch was some Coke and a couple of Milky Way eggs that you gave me in the Easter basket.
  • (pause)
  • Girl on Cell: No mom, not cocaine. Coca Cola. I can't afford weed, much less cocaine.

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and they say marijuana decreases motivation

-62 [+ / -]     Mar 28, 2008

  • Stoner Dude 1: Dude, I smoked 3 blunts today!
  • Stoner Dude 2: Man, I wish I could have days like that... I don't how you can afford to just sit around all day and do that.
  • Stoner Dude 3: Hey, you have to work hard to have a day like that! You gotta put some serious effort in if you want to have a 3 blunt day!

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better living through your sibling's chemistry

53 [+ / -]     Mar 10, 2008

  • Friend 1: Hey!
  • Friend 2: Hey! Did you go jogging to wake up this morning?
  • Friend 1: No, I just took my little brothers last Adderall.

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rule #2: don't roll in the ga theatre bathroom

-24 [+ / -]     Mar 06, 2008

  • Girl 1: She says she won't roll anymore because she hallucinated the last time.
  • Girl 2: Yeah, because hers was laced with heroin!
  • Girl 1: Yeah, like, rule number 1 - don't buy your rolls from some sketchy guy in Prague.

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i always seem to miss that aisle at the local hobby lobby

25 [+ / -]     Mar 05, 2008

  • Fratty: So I'm thinking of experimenting with drugs this summer.
  • Sorostitute: Uh, why?
  • Fratty: Dunno, I feel like I need a hobby.

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warning: marijuana affects grammar skills

51 [+ / -]     Mar 04, 2008

  • Dude 1: I gotta quit getting high all the time.
  • Dude 2: Why?
  • Dude 1: Drugs are like bad and stuff and drain bramage.

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meanwhile, the dog has been cramming for exams all night

12 [+ / -]     Feb 25, 2008

  • Girl 1: I can't believe my dog ate all my Adderall.
  • Girl 2: I haven't taken any of that in forever.
  • Girl 1: I mean, I just don't know how I'm going to get through this week.

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#10   remember kids, alcohol reduces your inhibitions

69 [+ / -]     Feb 25, 2008

  • Emory Guy: (inside a car, yelling to two girls in the parking lot) Hey, we're going to a dance party, wanna come?
  • Drunk Girl: We cant just get in a car with strangers!
  • Emory Guy: We're gonna get high!
  • Drunk Girl: Okay!

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her official charge was "too stupid to survive in the wild"

237 [+ / -]     Feb 20, 2008

  • (Drunk Girl is getting arrested in front of her friends)
  • Drunk Girl: (turns to her friend) Mel, I have some cocaine in my purse... get rid of it. Don't tell the cops, though.
  • (Cop walks over and picks up the girl's purse)

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wrong guy, wrong store

-74 [+ / -]     Feb 11, 2008

  • Guy 1: So, how much is an ounce of the Irish Creme?
  • Cashier: A dollar and sixty-five cents.
  • Guy 2: Wow, that must be nice.

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congratulations, you're hired

888 [+ / -]     Feb 04, 2008

  • Management professor: If you suspected someone was smoking marijuana on the job, what would you look for?
  • Guy: Doritos?

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the first step is admitting you have a problem

96 [+ / -]     Jan 03, 2008

  • Professor: Steroids have many side effects like a larger neck, larger forehead and small testicles.
  • Meathead: Um, is that reversible?

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speaking from experience...

-17 [+ / -]     Dec 20, 2007

  • Townie guy: Have you ever smoked a cigarette in the rain? It's like rubbing your dick on concrete.

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beats a career in plastics and an affair with anne bancroft

83 [+ / -]     Dec 18, 2007

  • Guy 1: Shit, I can't believe I graduated last night!
  • Guy 2: Congratulations, man.
  • Guy 1: I know, I woke up this morning and thought, "shit what am I going to do now that I'm outta college?" And then I did the same I did in college... smoked a bowl and went back to bed.

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if your attention span is shorter than a shooter, please get yourself spayed or neutered

63 [+ / -]     Nov 30, 2007

  • Sorostitute : (on cell) I think I'm going to take an Adderall tonight so I can concentrate on my drinking. Do you want one too?

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this just in, hippie cigarettes cause cancer AND stupidity

121 [+ / -]     Nov 19, 2007

  • Girl 1: Man, I really want a cigarette.
  • Girl 2: Ok, go smoke one.
  • Girl 1: Well, its not like I'm addicted to them or anything. I got the non-addictive kind!
  • Girl 2: What? I didn't think they made those.
  • Girl 1: Yes they do! (She holds up a pack of American Spirits) See, it says "addictive-free!"
  • Girl 2: Oh. Um. No, that says additive-free, not addictive-free.
  • Girl 1: Ohmigod! For, like, a year I thought that said "addictive-free!"

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well, that saves him the work

75 [+ / -]     Nov 05, 2007

  • Sorostitute 1: Can I have a sip of your drink?
  • Sorostitute 2: Yeah.
  • (Sorostitute 1 takes a sip)
  • Sorostitute 2: Haha! I rufied it!
  • Drunk fratty: You rufied your own drink?

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no wonder the freshman have to take that drug class

56 [+ / -]     Oct 31, 2007

  • Sorostitute 1: So, I have this Huge test tomorrow, but I really don't feel like popping an Adderall at 8pm.
  • Sorostitute 2: No worries, just taking a sleeping pill when you're ready to go to bed.
  • Sorostitute 1: I don't know about that... mixing uppers and downers... I don't want to die.
  • Sorostitute 2: Everyone does it, you won't die. By the way, are you going downtown tonight?
  • Sorostitute 1: Oh yeah!

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how else would you explain charleston?

57 [+ / -]     Oct 25, 2007

  • Girl 1: Did you know that cocaine is legal in Colombia?
  • Girl 2: How is coke legal in South Carolina?!

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if it weren't for the incest you probably wouldn't need the meds

46 [+ / -]     Oct 25, 2007

  • Twin girl 1: Mom doesn't want us taking anxiety medicine, she doesn't want our happiness dependent on that.
  • Twin girl 2: Well, mom didn't want us having sex... that didn't work either.

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we want snow on christmas, not on our birthdays

46 [+ / -]     Oct 18, 2007

  • Student: (to professor) I'm not going to know what to give you for your birthday if you don't tell me.
  • Professor: Heroin!

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its because everyone talks slower when you're high

-1 [+ / -]     Oct 18, 2007

  • Sorostitute 1: Ohmigod Emily, when you go to class high do you pay attention better?
  • Sorostitute 2: Ohmigod, yes
  • Sorostitute 1: Me too.

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i doubt that's why she wants you to come see her

74 [+ / -]     Oct 11, 2007

  • Fratty 1: What, you took Viagra?!
  • Fratty 2: Yeah man, it's awesome! Even the sexy doctor from the health center said that I should come see her if I have a hard on for longer than 2 hours!
  • Fratty 1: Man, she wants you! Can I try some?
  • Fratty 2: No! What am I suppose to do if I run out?

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life, liberty, and the pursuit of... wait, what was i saying?

17 [+ / -]     Oct 09, 2007

  • Professor: Back in colonial times, they would use hemp to make a lot of things, like paper. In fact, some copies of the Declaration and the Constitution were distributed on hemp.
  • Fratty: So like, you could, like smoke the Constitution? Cooooooool.

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you're the barry bonds of academia

41 [+ / -]     Aug 03, 2007

  • Student: (looks at Adderall) Each one of those little balls is like another percentage point on my grade.

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it's never a bad time to talk to your kids about drugs

45 [+ / -]     Jul 08, 2007

  • Little boy: Mama! Do you have drugs?
  • Mom (confused): No, no one has drugs, honey.
  • Little Boy 2: My pop does drugs.
  • Mom 2: But he's trying to quit.

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a source topped in reliability only by oprah

56 [+ / -]     Jun 18, 2007

  • (After a class discussion about meth use and race correlations)
  • Sorostitute 1: Black people don't do meth, do they?
  • Sorostitute 2: Yes they do, I saw it on YouTube.

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drug awareness day: marijuana causes paranoia

30 [+ / -]     May 17, 2007

  • Stoned guy: Man, I'm gonna be in poverty until I get my rebate check. Then I'll have money for food. And I'm not gonna spend it on anything else.
  • Sober guy: Nintendo Wii...
  • Stoned guy: Fuck you man. Dammit, now I'm gonna starve and it's gonna be your fault, and you'll get the Wii. That was your plan all along, wasn't it?

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if only there was a stoner degree... oh wait it's called art

-20 [+ / -]     May 15, 2007

  • Stoned girl: Does anyone have a nickel?
  • Stoned guy: I'll give you a nickel if you tickle my pickle.
  • Stoned girl: I'm not going to tickle your pickle for a nickel!
  • Stoned guy: ...
  • Stoned girl: Damn, we got some mad rhymes!

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she'd need adderall to pay attention for that long

98 [+ / -]     May 03, 2007

  • Girl 1: Man, this Adderall is giving me some serious cottonmouth.
  • Girl 2: Yeah, I know what you mean.
  • Girl 1: I feel like I've been sucking dick for hours on end.
  • Girl 2: Yeah, totally.

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this is why they switched from lead

9 [+ / -]     Apr 30, 2007

  • (Two guys are in the bathroom smoking pot, and have just unclogged their pipe with a pencil, which broke)
  • Guy 1: So... do you think that graphite'll be a problem? I mean I got a good hit.
  • Guy 2: Well, it can't be any worse than smoking crack.
  • Guy 3: Good call, dude.

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he certainly knows his rock and roll

118 [+ / -]     Apr 20, 2007

  • History of Rock professor: My advice would be, If you're depressed, light up a bong and see what happens.

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if you can't trust him, who can you trust?

-5 [+ / -]     Apr 01, 2007

  • Sorostitute 1: I'm never doing LSD again.
  • Sorostitute 2: That stuff is so bad for you!
  • Sorostitute 1: Yeah, but I got it from the guy that gives me pot, so I thought he was reliable!

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and he was so close to a free pizza

53 [+ / -]     Mar 21, 2007

  • Drunk guy: Hey... hey give me my pizza I have been waiting forever!
  • Pizza guy: What did you have, sir?
  • Drunk guy: The 7 sausage.
  • Pizza guy: (looks for his pizza) Sir, that's not even on the menu, are you high?
  • Drunk guy: Nope I'm fucked up and I ain't paid either, hippie!

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more like radiation

-29 [+ / -]     Mar 16, 2007

  • Stoned chick: I can take you in small doses.
  • Drunk guy: Like heroin?

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think of the children

-60 [+ / -]     Mar 06, 2007

  • Girl: So, the March of Dimes was asking how they should convince girls to get more niacin to prevent birth defects.
  • Guy: Telling college girls to take something to prevent birth defects will make them not want to take it.
  • Girl: Well, they were saying that about half of all pregnancies are unplanned.
  • Guy: Yeah, they should put it in Rohypnol instead.

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you thought you were desperate for an A

156 [+ / -]     Dec 16, 2006

  • (Sorostitute is staring at vending machine)
  • Sorostitute: (on cell phone) They don't have it, I've checked every floor.
  • Student: Were you looking for something?
  • Sorostitute: All my friends have been buying Adderall for finals and I think they are sold out.

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friends like that are hard to come by

96 [+ / -]     Dec 08, 2006

  • Sorostitute on cell: Thats ok... I don't even remember my semi-formal. I just remember waking up and being all sweaty, and my heart was beating real fast, and I couldn't breath too good... so I went and asked my sorority sister what happened, and she said, "Oh... you were passing out at dinner... so we gave a handful of Adderall."

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