Quotes Filed Under "Ew."


eat fresh, wipe clean

29 [+ / -]     May 07, 2010

  • Customer: Can I have some napkins? I spilled some soup.
  • Employee: Don't worry about it, I'll wipe it up.
  • Customer: Well, can I still have some napkins?

    Employee: Sure.
  • Customer: Thanks, I have to take a dump when I get home and I don't have any toilet paper.

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followed by a siesta

50 [+ / -]     Mar 18, 2010

  • (Professor is talking about the "10 steps" to putting on a condom)
  • Professor: Do you guys know how to tell if it's inside out?
  • (silence)
  • Professor: If it looks like a sombrero then it's right side out
  • (silence)
  • Professor: So, remember, if it looks like a sombrero your ready for a fiesta!

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we'll assume he also likes it when it's warm

9 [+ / -]     Mar 03, 2010

  • (A guy is walking with his friend down the hall)
  • Guy: A long thick stream. I like it when it shoots into my mouth.
  • (Pause)
  • Guy: A water fountain.

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at least that explains the dandruff

-23 [+ / -]     Feb 22, 2010

  • Guy: Is that lice?
  • Dreadlock Girl: No, I have really bad dandruff. We hang out all the time, don't you think you'd get lice if I had them?
  • Guy: Our hang out time isn't that intimate.
  • Dreadlock Girl: It doesn't have to be, lice can jump just like fleas. And they would jump on you because they like clean hair better and I haven't showered since Sunday.

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which, as a bonus, gave me a great tingling sensation

9 [+ / -]     Feb 08, 2010

  • Fratty 1: You all seriously don't know how gross they were!
  • Fratty 2: That's disgusting.
  • Fratty 1: I mean, I went home and put hand sanitizer on my dick!

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everyone is finding new ways to save in this tough economy

17 [+ / -]     Feb 05, 2010

  • Fratty: This jacket is $120 new, but I got it for free.
  • Sorostitute: Really? How?
  • Fratty: I found it on the ground. It was all wet and kinda dirty, and it had some throw up on it, but I washed it. I mean, it was my size, so I wasn't gonna just leave it there.
  • Sorostitute: Well, I guess if you washed it, it's okay.

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sure, depending on the industry

31 [+ / -]     Jan 25, 2010

  • Girl: So, can you use the word "semen" in a resume?

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one test they won't need to study for

32 [+ / -]     Dec 07, 2009

  • Professor: So, let's ask a really simple question. What's the difference between masturbating and having sex?
  • Student: Nothing is created out of masturbation.
  • Professor: Right, nothing comes of masturbation. Well, something comes.

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that one was easy! i hope it's on the final!

48 [+ / -]     Nov 18, 2009

  • Professor: What would happen if you picked up a fresh cow patty?
  • Girl: You'd get shit on your hands?

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at least they weren't used

30 [+ / -]     Nov 15, 2009

  • Fratty 1: So yeah, last night, I totally forgot to lock my door before I passed out.
  • Fratty 2: Yeah, so?
  • Fratty 1: Well, this morning I woke up with 8 opened condoms in my mouth.

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they reworked the biology class syllabus the following year

-35 [+ / -]     Oct 14, 2009

  • Sorostitute 1: Yeah, he sexually molested me when I was in sixth grade.
  • Sorostitute 2: What? You're kidding!
  • Sorostitute 1: No, but I definitely don't think he meant anything by it.
  • Sorostitute 2: Oh, well I guess that's okay, then.

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speaking of which, i've got a case of natty light in my trunk

21 [+ / -]     Sep 20, 2009

  • Guy 1: Dude, you drink Mr. Pibb?
  • Guy 2: I'll drink pee if it's free.

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your place or mine?

46 [+ / -]     Sep 13, 2009

  • Drunk Girl: I can't believe I hooked up with him.
  • Drunker Girl: Don't worry, I've hooked up with a homeless man.

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rain rain, go away

-8 [+ / -]     Aug 30, 2009

  • Guy 1: Last night was crazy.
  • Guy 2: Really? Why, what happened?
  • Guy 1: I came home last night, saw my roommate on the futon... so I unzipped and peed all over his head.

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and your buddy's shoes

9 [+ / -]     Aug 24, 2009

  • (After walking out of the shadows behind a building)
  • Drunk Guy: Underdog law, I now own that bank.

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if by meat you mean flappy roast beef...

12 [+ / -]     Jul 21, 2009

  • Marquee outside of the library.

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these were left by a gigantic vegan

-29 [+ / -]     Jul 13, 2009

  • Georgia Botanical Gardens.
    These hedges look like they were trimmed to look like a pile of rolled up shit.
    I think they're still there.

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the downtown neighborhood watch

49 [+ / -]     Jul 07, 2009

  • Girl: (whispering very loudly to her friend) I don't have on any panties, so if you see any cooch, let me know!

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and the worst part of all... he spilled ketchup on his shirt at dinner

-31 [+ / -]     Jun 21, 2009

  • Prior to passing out, this guy not only threw up all over himself, but he also peed his pants.

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that explains the burning down there

113 [+ / -]     Jun 02, 2009

  • Prostitute: I used to be the toast of the town. I even had a pair of panties I got at K-Mart that said "toast of the town" right on the crotch.

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i'll be absent for that, thank you

56 [+ / -]     Apr 30, 2009

  • (Professor's contact falls out)
  • Professor: Crap, I'll have to be blind for the rest of class. Let me increase my nuts.
  • (The class stares)
  • Professor: Notes, I mean notes.

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i must be going to the wrong parties

161 [+ / -]     Apr 29, 2009

  • Drunk Girl: She was really drunk.
  • Guy: I think you're all really drunk.
  • Drunk Girl: No. I mean she-showed-me-her-pussy drunk.

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and for my next trick...

-11 [+ / -]     Apr 21, 2009

  • TA: So when I turn around, my ass is going be wet.
  • (Class stares for ten seconds)
  • TA: It's not what you think.

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and maybe slow down on the motorcycle, too

72 [+ / -]     Apr 09, 2009

  • Girl: So he takes a turn at like, 80 miles per hour, almost throws the bike, and I swear to God my piercing almost rips my clit out.
  • Gay Guy: No more riding for you.

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there's so much to say...

53 [+ / -]     Apr 04, 2009

  • (In the men's room, Dave Matthews is playing)
  • Fratty: Oh man, Dave Matthews!
  • Guy: Yes, one of the few musicians that can mumble and still make millions. Don't get me wrong, he's good though.
  • Fratty: Yeah, man! I used to beat off to Dave Matthews when I was 14.

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but not with anyone who heard that

152 [+ / -]     Apr 02, 2009

  • Sorostitute: Once I pass this kidney stone, I am going to have all kinds of sex.

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in a past life, maybe?

21 [+ / -]     Mar 26, 2009

  • Drunk Girl: How old are you?
  • Bartender cleaning up her vomit: Twenty-six.
  • Drunk Girl: Have you ever been Twenty-four?

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i'm kind of a big deal...

106 [+ / -]     Mar 26, 2009

  • Fratty 1: Dude, you have a boner.
  • Fratty 2: (looks at his crotch) Don't act like you're not impressed.

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toeing the line

200 [+ / -]     Mar 17, 2009

  • Sorostitute: I liked that last one. That last one looked really nice on me.
  • Gay Dad 1: I don't care how hot you think it looked. The first thing I saw was the camel toe.
  • Sorostitute: Dad, don't say that. That's gross!
  • Gay Dad 2: (to Gay Dad 1) Dear, just because you can see it, doesn't mean you need to say it. (to Sorostitute) I'm sorry, honey, but the camel toe was really prominent.
  • Sorostitute: Stop saying camel toe! If I hear that word one more time, I'm going to lose it!
  • Guy at Next Table: Camel Toe!
  • Sorostitute: Do something, dad!
  • (She storm out, the two gay dads stare at the guy at the next table, then stand up and leave the restaurant)

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patriotism is a bit different down there

-71 [+ / -]     Mar 16, 2009

  • Stoned Kid: Ya know what's a nice place? New Zealand, and they're weathering this storm pretty well. I mean, all they do is fuck sheep. If it came down to choosing between nuclear holocaust and fucking sheep, I'm totally fucking the sheep.

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well, i did it on my own time and wasn't paid, but i swear it was a job

13 [+ / -]     Mar 14, 2009

  • Professor: So I had this job removing eyes from dead people... it was creepy as shit. That whole, "the eyes are the window to the soul" thing, yeah it messes you up. What if someone's soul just popped out while I was cutting the muscles around the eye?

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like all good erections, this one will melt too soon

71 [+ / -]     Mar 05, 2009

  • Well... hopefully you can tell what it is. These were quite the skillful sculptors.

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isn't there a section on craigslist for this?

79 [+ / -]     Mar 03, 2009

  • Girl: Why were you doing laundry at 8 am on a snow day?
  • Guy: Well, have you ever dreamed you were peeing in a toilet and pissed your bed?
  • Girl: No. But now I'm super turned on.

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so that's the secret ingredient

93 [+ / -]     Mar 02, 2009

  • Stoner Guy 1: Dude, popcorn would be awesome right now.
  • Stoner Guy 2: No dude, pizza would be good right now.
  • Stoner Girl: Neither. Penis would be good right now.
  • Stoner Guys: (looking at each other) What?!
  • Stoner Girl: (pretending nothing happened) Yeah, let's order Gumby's.

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...to try to figure out how to erase the mental image

69 [+ / -]     Feb 26, 2009

  • Girl: So we were at Thanksgiving Dinner and my grandma looks up and says, "My vagina burns!" Then she went on to complain about how she thought my grandpa was cheating on her and gave her some STD or something. All the kids got up and left the table.

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a picture is worth a thousand words, just don't say them out loud

21 [+ / -]     Jan 17, 2009

  • Girl 1: Over the break I got a fork stabbed in my eye! It bled and bled and all this white stuff came out of it and I pulled it out myself and drove to the ER!
  • Girl 2: Ohmigod that is so disgusting! Don't tell me one more thing about that!
  • Girl 1: (pause) Do you want to see pictures?
  • Girl 2: Hell yeah!

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as opposed to a non-up-the-butt enema

-71 [+ / -]     Jan 13, 2009

  • Girl 1: So yeah, like I totally had the worst Christmas break ever! My family was driving me crazy and I just wanted to come back and get away!
  • Girl 2: That sucks, mine was pretty great.
  • Girl 1: And to top it all off, the dog was having seizures and we had to give him an enema up his butt. Do you even comprehend how not-fun that was?
  • Girl 2: Damn.

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just tell him to talk to the hand

71 [+ / -]     Jan 12, 2009

  • Fratty 1: So I was reading this article about what guys really mean when they say things, and apparently when a guy says "I don't masturbate very much," it means "I masturbate more than I wash my hands."
  • Fratty 2: Thats so true, I never wash my hands, and I think I'm gonna go masturbate right now!
  • Fratty 1: No way, I don't want to eat alone again!

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he's a bit unclear on the other half of the word

70 [+ / -]     Jan 08, 2009

  • Fratty 1: I don't like percocets. They don't work and they make my butt itch.
  • Fratty 2: What do you mean they make your butt itch?
  • Fratty 1: The pharmacist said they're analgesics.
  • Fratty 2: Do you know what that means?
  • Fratty 1: I know what anal means.

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how's it hanging?

125 [+ / -]     Jan 07, 2009

  • (In the underwear department at Wal-Mart)
  • Redneck Mom: (holding up a pair of panties) How about these?
  • Redneck Daughter: (yelling) My coochie don't hang that low, mama!

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there's a pacman joke here somewhere

9 [+ / -]     Dec 30, 2008

  • Her ass got hungry and decided to eat her pants...yummy!

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there needs to be a better tie breaker for "not it"

76 [+ / -]     Dec 26, 2008

  • Girl 1: So this drunk homeless guy peed himself in one of the library chairs yesterday.
  • Girl 2: Who cleaned it?
  • Girl 1: No one... they just put a sign on it that said, "Do not sit in this chair."

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so much for trying the spaghetti noodle kiss thing

5 [+ / -]     Dec 25, 2008

  • (Two guys are sitting across from each other at a restaurant)
  • Guy 1: Man, you fucking smell funny.
  • Guy 2: Yeah, I don't really see the point of showering in the winter.

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good thing they weren't using the blender for margaritas

24 [+ / -]     Dec 04, 2008

  • Girl: You were ridiculous last night. You were hitting on everyone.
  • Guy: I know, I was so drunk last night I would have stuck my dick in anything.

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what does he do to people he hates?

-10 [+ / -]     Dec 03, 2008

  • Teacher: (discussing harsh grading on papers) If I crap on you, it's because I love you.
  • Student: Yeah, I crap on the people I love too.

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we had to google this one... and now our minds are scarred

37 [+ / -]     Dec 01, 2008

  • Found on Lumpkin Street while walking to tailgate in 2007

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it's not just fluoride they're adding to the water

90 [+ / -]     Nov 23, 2008

  • Probably the best thing I have ever received in the mail. Compliments of the Athens-Clarke County water business office

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we'd recommend a laxative for that

105 [+ / -]     Nov 21, 2008

  • Student: A faculty bathroom? What's that supposed to mean?
  • Religion teacher: It means I can poop there and you can't.

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master one skill before moving on to another, grasshopper

193 [+ / -]     Nov 11, 2008

  • Guy: Why won't you just take it up the butt?
  • Girl: I already take it from the front and don't get anything out of it. Why add another dimension?

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zack and miri don't make a porno

-30 [+ / -]     Nov 10, 2008

  • Guy: She makes more money than I do!
  • Girl: I don't care. I'd rather be poor and keep my twat in my pants.

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help! my daisy dukes are altering the space-time continuum!

-9 [+ / -]     Nov 08, 2008

  • half naked african american cross dresser outside of Bourbon Street.

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only 15 in a school zone

-31 [+ / -]     Nov 08, 2008

  • Girl: Hold on! Let me go get my goggles. I heard that cum comes out at 20 miles per hour.

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at least they don't have a "try before you buy" option

-96 [+ / -]     Nov 07, 2008

  • Female Customer: Do you have any hoop nose rings?
  • Stoner Employee: Well... I don't know, these are all mixed.
  • (Silence)
  • Stoner Employee: Oh, I know what happened...

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it's a bit more like solitaire

53 [+ / -]     Oct 31, 2008

  • Rider in Car 5: Masturbation is like spades. If you have a good hand you don't need a partner!

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"...they just kept falling out of my pocket"

-23 [+ / -]     Oct 29, 2008

  • Drunk Guy: Hey I need help. I lost my car keys.
  • Bus Driver: Did you lose them on this bus?
  • Drunk Guy: I think they are up my ass.
  • Bus Driver: The police officer over there can help you!

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not to mention his bestiality thing

164 [+ / -]     Oct 27, 2008

  • Guy: God, he's so far in the closet he's blowing the goat-man in Narnia.

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that's what you get for mouthing off

34 [+ / -]     Oct 26, 2008

  • Girl: You shouldn't have even gone to the bar that night.
  • Guy: Why not?
  • Girl: Because you told him he could give you a blowjob.
  • Guy: I did not! I just said, "a mouth's a mouth."

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though his sense of humor sounds far from it

97 [+ / -]     Oct 26, 2008

  • Guy 1: So some drunk guy just walked into your room and pissed in your roommate's dresser?
  • Guy 2: Pretty much.
  • Guy 1: And you just stood there? What kind of friend are you?
  • Guy 2: A dry one.

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does anyone else feel a breeze?

60 [+ / -]     Oct 23, 2008

  • sitting outside of the ga theatre after the vandy game

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isn't that also a bertie bott flavor?

57 [+ / -]     Oct 19, 2008

  • Dumpster at Family Housing.

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schwing and a miss

75 [+ / -]     Oct 17, 2008

  • Professor: Can anyone tell me what the exclamation point at the end of the stanza is meant to represent?
  • Student: Is it a phallus?
  • Professor: Schwing!

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at least he's got something to look forward to

73 [+ / -]     Oct 09, 2008

  • Student: I think I've got food poisoning.
  • Doctor: That's entirely possible, I've had 8 cases of it this week. Have you shit yourself?
  • Student: Uh, no.
  • Doctor: Oh good, you caught it early.

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the customer probably would have noticed that

-34 [+ / -]     Oct 07, 2008

  • Bar Waitress: They tossed your salad for you. Is that okay?

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and someone just wanted an excuse to make that euphemism

123 [+ / -]     Oct 01, 2008

  • Barberitos worker: (smearing sour cream on a taco) Let me smooth it out for you.
  • Flirtacious woman: You just wanted an excuse to put your finger in my taco.

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we call that "party girl roulette"

48 [+ / -]     Sep 28, 2008

  • Girl 1: So your friend is a total slut?
  • Girl 2: Yeah, I have no idea how many STD's she has. I never drink after her.

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i'm sure someone could find you a pencil sharpener

6 [+ / -]     Sep 22, 2008

  • (Outside Starbucks, trying to register voters)
  • Registration guy: The next time somebody walks past us, I'm going to stick a pencil up their ass.

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if it ain't broke...

-3 [+ / -]     Sep 22, 2008

  • Hipster: I like Nyquil. But Nyquil with liquor in it? Kinda gross.

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cue the banjo

108 [+ / -]     Sep 15, 2008

  • (Boyfriend and Girlfriend are arguing over who will pay for dinner)
  • Waitress: So... are you two brother and sister?
  • Boyfriend: Brother and sister with benefits.

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discount available for naughty, naughty girls

79 [+ / -]     Sep 12, 2008

  • Saw this under the "general" items section on craigslist and I couldn't think of anything used that people would want to buy more.

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