Quotes Filed Under "In class"


and 0% math

12 [+ / -]     Sep 02, 2010

  • Acting Instructor: Acting is 1/3 talent and 3/4 discipline.

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"...don't worry, it won't take that long"

16 [+ / -]     Aug 24, 2010

  • Male Model: I've never done this before.
  • Art Student: Yeah, I couldn't stand still for that long.
  • Male Model: I'm not worried about that. I just don't want everyone spending like five minutes drawing my junk.

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to the beat of your own drum

13 [+ / -]     Aug 17, 2010

  • Sorostitute 1: He's going to make us drum on the first day? This is going to be so hard. I have no rhythm.
  • Sorostitute 2: Yeah I know, I'm really tone deaf.

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just freshmen

30 [+ / -]     Jun 30, 2010

  • (A baby is crying outside a biology lecture)
  • Professor: There are no babies in college!

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and i have hipbones, therefore i am a snake

36 [+ / -]     May 17, 2010

  • Professor: Tell me what's wrong with this argument. "All vertebrates have hipbones. Snakes are vertebrates. Therefore, snakes have hipbones."
  • Freshmen Girl: Snakes aren't vertebrates, everyone knows that!
  • Professor: Are you sure about that, cupcake? What are they then, aliens?

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sex ed for history majors

41 [+ / -]     May 04, 2010

  • Professor: Remember, you have two hours to complete the essay portion of the exam. Like sex, you will not receive extra credit for finishing early.
  • (class laughs)
  • Professor: That is the only way sex relates to this exam.

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the demographics of sexy

11 [+ / -]     Apr 27, 2010

  • Professor: (pointing to diagram) These represent different territories.
  • Student: All the same species?
  • Professor: Yes, these represent one big population of Great Tits.
  • Student: I could tell that was coming.

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and because you're crying, i'm taking you down to a D

16 [+ / -]     Apr 21, 2010

  • Professor: I saw a girl earlier today crying over a C on a test.
  • Student: Was it one of your students?
  • Professor: No, had it been one of mine, I would have smacked her.

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if you're on the meal plan you get all the coke you can handle

19 [+ / -]     Apr 21, 2010

  • Professor: If you look around campus, you'll notice you can't find Pepsi products anywhere. It's cause we're a Coke school. We have all this Coke money.
  • (students chuckle)
  • Professor: (confused) What? Why am I so funny today?

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an organ donor in a different sense

20 [+ / -]     Apr 19, 2010

  • Professor: Come on! I'm getting old and my organs are failing. Well, not all of them.

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don't break out the A1 just yet

9 [+ / -]     Apr 13, 2010

  • Anatomy Professor: This urinary diaphragm is a sling of muscle. It's not a thick sling of muscle. You can't make a steak out of it or anything.

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do i smell a rumble with the math department?

28 [+ / -]     Apr 13, 2010

  • Student: Wow, what do we have to do for our department to get its own building and classrooms?
  • Professor: Oh, you've gotta be really good at knife fighting to do that.

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so just spit it out

-1 [+ / -]     Apr 08, 2010

  • Professor: A new study out in Great Britain says that facebook has contributed to the rise of STDs like syphilis. I don't know about y'all, but I find this news a little hard to swallow.

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yeah that's totally what everyone was thinking

21 [+ / -]     Apr 07, 2010

  • Professor: Imagine your favorite function with your body.
  • (pause)
  • Professor: now imagine doing that, whatever it is, for 20 hours.
  • (pause)
  • Professor: Like eating chocolate.

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senioritis hits hard

-5 [+ / -]     Apr 07, 2010

  • Guest Speaker: Do I have any seniors in here?
  • Sorostitute: (raises hand) Yeah! One more semester and I'm out of here bitches!

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i'd say the odds of that are pretty slim

56 [+ / -]     Mar 30, 2010

  • Professor: So now we're going to learn about probability. You, flip this coin and tell me your results.
  • Punk Guy: I got seven tails and three heads.
  • Professor: So as you can see, the coin was biased.
  • Punk Guy: Nah, it's just because I love tail.
  • Sorostitute: Does that mean you don't love head?

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quick, someone get me pregnant!

45 [+ / -]     Mar 25, 2010

  • Biology TA: Sorry guys, I have to ask if anybody in here is pregnant or trying to get pregnant because we're working with carcinogens today.
  • Girl: Would that excuse me from this lab?

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contagiousness is not a matter of opinion

12 [+ / -]     Mar 24, 2010

  • Professor: Are you all right? You don't look very well.
  • Girl 1: I have a viral infection, but don't worry, it's not contagious.
  • Girl 2: Um, can you leave please?

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i'll take "not what he was going to say" for 100, alex

18 [+ / -]     Mar 22, 2010

  • Professor: There's this stuff in books about string theory and worlds where time is in multiple dimensions, stuff you only talk about over...
  • Student: A tall cold one?
  • Professor: (pauses) Yes, exactly.

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when i laugh, it comes out of my nose

29 [+ / -]     Mar 19, 2010

  • Professor: How many of you like Pepsi?
  • Girl: I was a Pepsi girl, but now I just do Coke.

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followed by a siesta

50 [+ / -]     Mar 18, 2010

  • (Professor is talking about the "10 steps" to putting on a condom)
  • Professor: Do you guys know how to tell if it's inside out?
  • (silence)
  • Professor: If it looks like a sombrero then it's right side out
  • (silence)
  • Professor: So, remember, if it looks like a sombrero your ready for a fiesta!

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having david copperfield in your class must be awesome

4 [+ / -]     Mar 15, 2010

  • Professor: One student once told me a pick up line that he used. "If you come home with me tonight, I'll put you in positions that Gumby couldn't get out of."

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however, the subtext is also in french

12 [+ / -]     Mar 05, 2010

  • (Talking about a foreign film)
  • Professor: Well, I guess you had to read the subtext.
  • Girl: I read the subtext.
  • Professor: The subtext, not the subtitles.

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thirsty thursday strikes again

124 [+ / -]     Mar 03, 2010

  • (On a Friday morning)
  • Grad Assistant: You guys look like shit. Okay, show of hands, how many of you guys are still drunk from last night?
  • (Every single person in room raises their hand)
  • Grad Assistant: Okay, now show of hands, how many of you did I hit on last night?
  • (Four girls and one guy raise their hand)
  • Grad Assistant: Eh, I've done worse.

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double science fail

48 [+ / -]     Mar 02, 2010

  • Professor: Can anyone name a mammal that needs to hold its breath for a long time?
  • Student 1: A frog?
  • Professor: Um, no. Definitely not a frog.
  • Student 2: A manatee?
  • Professor: What's a manatee?

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so, what's the downside?

-9 [+ / -]     Feb 26, 2010

  • Professor: Share a line, and the next thing you know, you're sharing bodily fluids.

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you just can't trust someone with that many freckles

40 [+ / -]     Feb 25, 2010

  • Spanish Teacher: Do you guys think there is discrimination in the US? If so, what groups?
  • Student 1: Hispanics.
  • Student 2: Women.
  • Student 3: African Americans.
  • Ginger Student: Red-heads!

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turns out it forms a bad mental image

25 [+ / -]     Feb 24, 2010

  • Sorostitute: Wait, what kind of image does this lens form?
  • Fratty: I think it's an erect image.
  • Sorostitute: No, it's the opposite. What's the opposite of erect?
  • Fratty: Flaccid?

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at least that explains the dandruff

-23 [+ / -]     Feb 22, 2010

  • Guy: Is that lice?
  • Dreadlock Girl: No, I have really bad dandruff. We hang out all the time, don't you think you'd get lice if I had them?
  • Guy: Our hang out time isn't that intimate.
  • Dreadlock Girl: It doesn't have to be, lice can jump just like fleas. And they would jump on you because they like clean hair better and I haven't showered since Sunday.

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though you can't blame them for being suspicious

95 [+ / -]     Feb 19, 2010

  • (In a test review session)
  • Professor: Does anybody have any questions?
  • (Waits for hands)
  • Professor: Come on, I'm here to help you. We want you to do well on the test.. . we're not the chemistry department.

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can i take that coin with me downtown this weekend?

65 [+ / -]     Feb 18, 2010

  • Middle-Eastern TA: Coin have two side. So if I flip coin, there is a fifty percent chance that I will get head.

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also, please stop touching my penis

-17 [+ / -]     Feb 15, 2010

  • Septuagenarian Professor: Get your dirty Swiss hands off my corn cob!

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when i think about you i $touch myself

12 [+ / -]     Feb 03, 2010

  • Professor: So, can someone tell me what the command prompt 'finger' means in UNIX?
  • (pause, followed by student laughter)
  • Professor: Come on people, not inappropriately. Maturity.

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i want to punch that paper clip almost as much as dwight

30 [+ / -]     Feb 03, 2010

  • Girl: You're a fan of The Office? That's so cool!
  • Confused Professor: You mean Microsoft Office?

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i can't wait to get old

15 [+ / -]     Jan 30, 2010

  • Teacher: There is a higher rate of STDs in retirement communities. The average ratio of women to men is 7 to 1. I mean, come on, are you going to care if you wear a condom when you're 70?

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obviously someone has never read the two towers

28 [+ / -]     Jan 16, 2010

  • (In Marine Biology class)
  • Professor: Can anyone name an animal that can't move?
  • Student: A tree!

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also, wrong wallace

30 [+ / -]     Jan 13, 2010

  • (In US History Post 1865)
  • Professor: Can anyone tell me who George Wallace is?
  • Sorostitute: He's that character from Braveheart!
  • Professor: No, sorry, not in this class.

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don't forget about all the free condoms

16 [+ / -]     Jan 05, 2010

  • Professor: Apparently, all you guys do is make-out and get wasted all the time because you're college students. Which is why the university puts hand sanitizer everywhere and obsessively cleans.

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it means we prefer to touch ourselves

27 [+ / -]     Dec 11, 2009

  • Professor: We're a very puritanical society. We don't like to be touched by other people. But we watch more porn than the rest of the countries of the world combined, so what does that say about us?

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what i meant to say is that i would totally fuck him

20 [+ / -]     Dec 10, 2009

  • Teacher: I'm a member of the Kevin Smith cult-fan club. I would absolutely drink his Kool Aid.
  • (awkward pause)
  • Teacher: That... came out wrong.

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one test they won't need to study for

32 [+ / -]     Dec 07, 2009

  • Professor: So, let's ask a really simple question. What's the difference between masturbating and having sex?
  • Student: Nothing is created out of masturbation.
  • Professor: Right, nothing comes of masturbation. Well, something comes.

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show and tell day didn't go as well as dr jones had hoped

16 [+ / -]     Dec 03, 2009

  • Professor: While we're talking about vaginas...

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that one was easy! i hope it's on the final!

48 [+ / -]     Nov 18, 2009

  • Professor: What would happen if you picked up a fresh cow patty?
  • Girl: You'd get shit on your hands?

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does it matter?

-1 [+ / -]     Nov 13, 2009

  • Male Professor: So, who stayed in town this weekend? Did anyone go downtown?
  • Student: I was downtown!
  • Male Professor: Sweet.
  • Student: Were you downtown wearing a dress?
  • Male Professor: What color?

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think before you sprechen

102 [+ / -]     Oct 21, 2009

  • Girl: Why would anyone want to major in German? No one speaks that! I mean, who speaks German?
  • Guy: (shouting from across the lecture hall): I do, so fuck you!

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sir, i think you've had enough chalk. do you have a ride home?

34 [+ / -]     Oct 20, 2009

  • Professor 1: (busts into classroom) Hey, can I get some chalk? My fingers are bleeding.
  • Professor 2: I don't even know how to respond to that.

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snoop dogg had a brief stint as a cartographer

29 [+ / -]     Oct 19, 2009

  • Professor: Do any of you know what this symbol means on a sea level pressure and wind map?
  • Student: Uh, rain? Drizzle?
  • Professor: Drizzle fo' shizzle!

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the new sex-ed program is off to a slow start

9 [+ / -]     Oct 18, 2009

  • Professor: So yeah, the continuum is better than saying "There are seven places. Where do you want to stick it?"
  • (Class chuckles)
  • Professor: Okay, um, anyway...

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solving that problem costs 320 mana

19 [+ / -]     Oct 15, 2009

  • (Professor writes a proof on the board)
  • Professor: So what do we do now?
  • Student: Say that it's true because of the principle we were trying to prove?
  • Professor: Yes. It's time for the invocation part. By the power of Grayskull, we win. Or, by the principle of mathematical induction. Whatever.

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and some damn paperclip keeps trying to help me pick standard or scientific

31 [+ / -]     Oct 12, 2009

  • Computer Science Professor: I imagine you all have good calculators that can do that with the push of a button. The only calculator I have was one left in a classroom by a student five years ago.
  • Student: You sound bitter about that fact.
  • Computer Science Professor: It ran out of batteries. I have to use the calculator that comes with Windows.

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those zany academics

25 [+ / -]     Oct 06, 2009

  • Professor: I was at this one party where this guy tried to murder me. That was kinda embarrassing. He thought I owned the house and tried to throw me over a balcony. He apologized by polishing the silver. Anyway...

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wouldn't that make it a penticorn?

59 [+ / -]     Oct 06, 2009

  • Professor: Tell me something that's imaginary.
  • Student 1: Um, a unicorn with five horns.
  • Student 2: How about a unicorn with one horn?

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welcome to the lamar dodd school of hard knocks

36 [+ / -]     Oct 01, 2009

  • Instructor: (talking about an architect) So in conclusion, his greatest strength ended up also being his greatest weakness. A good lesson for each of you to learn.
  • (Pause)
  • Instructor: What I'm saying is, that's true in relationships, too. What attracts you to a person can also, er, drive you away.
  • (Awkward silence)
  • Instructor: That's just a little tidbit from me, folks. Not on your study guide. That one's free.
  • Sorostitute: Will it be on the midterm?

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word has it that they really suck

17 [+ / -]     Sep 29, 2009

  • Teacher: I think it's Abercrombie and Fitch who has the most overpaid CEO.
  • Girl: Yeah, I have it here. It's Abercrombie.
  • Teacher: What's second?
  • Girl: (reading) Uh, BJ Services.
  • Teacher: There you go, BJ Services!
  • (auditorium cracks up)
  • Teacher: I suppose I deserved that.

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what if a plant has nuts?

-15 [+ / -]     Sep 14, 2009

  • Professor: So if this plant has berries, is it male or female?
  • Student: Female!
  • Professor: Right! Boys don't have berries.

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one thing that will never get outsourced to china

35 [+ / -]     Sep 09, 2009

  • Professor: Some things are still produced at home. Kids, for example.

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and they know sexy. after all, they did invent the toga.

0 [+ / -]     Sep 05, 2009

  • Professor: And so the Greeks figured if we combine these two elements, we've got ourselves a pretty sexy column!

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it's easy to do well when your standards are low

15 [+ / -]     Sep 04, 2009

  • (Walking out of a classroom)
  • Guy 1: How did you do on that last quiz?
  • Guy 2: Much better than the first quiz. I got a 40.
  • Guy 1: Yeah, that's not bad.

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extreme makeover: uga edition

49 [+ / -]     Aug 31, 2009

  • TA: And as you can see, Ty Pennington is in this ad.
  • Girl: He went to my high school!
  • TA: He's a douche bag.

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a winning philosophy

-49 [+ / -]     Aug 28, 2009

  • (Walking out of philosophy class)
  • Sorostitute: Ohmigod! We are like, Greek, and Aristotle and Plato are like, Greek!
  • Fratty: Haha, yeah they were!
  • Sorostitute: So that means we are like the same! Haha, cool, philosophy makes so much more sense now!
  • Fratty: See, the Greeks always win.

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not too loud... that's like saying "bomb" on an airplane

-46 [+ / -]     Aug 26, 2009

  • (Exiting SLC 102 as everyone is rushing for the door)
  • Guy: If there is ever a fire in here, we are screwed!
  • Girl: But how would a fire get started in here?
  • Guy: An arsonist?

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intelligence should count in there somewhere

64 [+ / -]     Aug 24, 2009

  • Professor: What defines quality of life? Happiness? Health? Money? Lack of acquired disease?
  • Sorostitute: Um, everyone knows that you can't acquire diseases, you are born with them.
  • Professor: Moving on now. Quality of life, anyone?

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it's always sunny in san andreas

20 [+ / -]     Jul 23, 2009

  • Professor: (walking into class without an umbrella on a rainy day) Ugh! I checked the weather last night, and it said today would be sunny. That's the last time I get my weather forecast from a video game system.

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sam adams the study buddy

3 [+ / -]     May 13, 2009

  • Fratty 1: Dude, are you ready for the final? I'm nervous.
  • Fratty 2: Not me. I had a beer to calm the nerves.
  • Fratty 1: You had a beer?
  • Fratty 2: Yeah, a beer or two. I got to pee.

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i'll be absent for that, thank you

56 [+ / -]     Apr 30, 2009

  • (Professor's contact falls out)
  • Professor: Crap, I'll have to be blind for the rest of class. Let me increase my nuts.
  • (The class stares)
  • Professor: Notes, I mean notes.

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and for my next trick...

-11 [+ / -]     Apr 21, 2009

  • TA: So when I turn around, my ass is going be wet.
  • (Class stares for ten seconds)
  • TA: It's not what you think.

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everything i need to know about life i learned at hogwarts

73 [+ / -]     Apr 18, 2009

  • Professor: So what do we know about unicorns? What is it that they stand for?
  • Guy 1: They're uncatchable.
  • Girl 1: They're, like, really pure. So, like, purity.
  • Guy 2: Immortality.
  • Guy 3: In Harry Potter you're not supposed to kill them.

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two birds, one stone

164 [+ / -]     Apr 15, 2009

  • Professor: If you two don't stop that, I'll have to separate you.
  • Student: She's sharing my book with me.
  • Professor: Oh... I thought you were just touching her to make yourself happy.

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if you can't beat 'em, mug 'em

288 [+ / -]     Apr 09, 2009

  • (The door opens at the bottom of a classroom in the middle of a lecture)
  • Voice: I'm going to shit on your face, Brittany G!
  • (Professor looks out door then runs out, chasing after the intruder for two minutes and comes back)
  • Student: What happened?
  • Professor: (puts a wallet on the podium) I took his wallet.
  • (Professor continues on with lecture like nothing happened)

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oh cum all ye faithful

-1 [+ / -]     Apr 06, 2009

  • Professor: What if God made your entire 80 year life like one extended orgasm? Wouldn't that just be awesome? I think it would. Orgasms are awesome.

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he's rocking his own stimulus package

139 [+ / -]     Mar 27, 2009

  • (Economics class is talking about California's plan to legalize marijuana for tax profits)
  • Professor: The government could get away with slapping a huge tax on pot because people would be willing to pay it. It's already expensive enough trying to sneak around and buy pot illegally.
  • (class is silent for 15-20 seconds)
  • Professor: I would assume.

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a math lesson that won't be on the final

132 [+ / -]     Mar 22, 2009

  • Professor: Way way back I was teaching an intro class, and I get this Christmas card from a student that says, "Hope I get an A!" and has five hundred dollars in it. I tell the dean of students and he tells me to handle it on my own. So I get the student in my office, we talk about it, I give him back the three hundred dollars and that was that.

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unless of course they're heroin muffins

138 [+ / -]     Mar 16, 2009

  • Professor: Really the only thing that grows in Afghanistan is poppies. And there are only three things you can do with poppies - make poppy seed bagels, poppy seed muffins, and make heroin. And you aren't going to make a lot of money from the muffins.

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he meant top-money, not your favorite

-42 [+ / -]     Mar 15, 2009

  • Economics Teacher: What's the top import in the United States?
  • Guy 1: Oil!
  • Girl: Cars!
  • Guy 2: Marijuana!

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well, i did it on my own time and wasn't paid, but i swear it was a job

13 [+ / -]     Mar 14, 2009

  • Professor: So I had this job removing eyes from dead people... it was creepy as shit. That whole, "the eyes are the window to the soul" thing, yeah it messes you up. What if someone's soul just popped out while I was cutting the muscles around the eye?

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eating disorder? what eating disorder?

74 [+ / -]     Feb 25, 2009

  • Tennis Instructor: Do any of you know why it's important have a low BMI?
  • Student: Because it means you're healthier.
  • Tennis Instructor: Well yes... but more importantly, you look better naked.

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too much information

58 [+ / -]     Feb 24, 2009

  • Professor: Why do we do what people tell us to do?
  • Student: Submission is hot.

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no, we only accept anonymous forum posts and wikipedia

21 [+ / -]     Feb 24, 2009

  • Girl: If we find an article in a library, does it count as a scholarly source?

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its sad when even professors think thursday is the weekend

82 [+ / -]     Feb 18, 2009

  • Professor: It's referring to how the different organs in your body perform different functions. Your heart pumps blood and your liver helps you recover from Thursday night.

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that way he won't have to get her anything next year

187 [+ / -]     Feb 17, 2009

  • Teacher: Did anyone get anything good for Valentine's Day?
  • Guy: My girlfriend got me Breathe Right strips. I was like, what is this supposed to mean? I think I'm going to get her some jogging shoes.
  • (Silence)
  • Teacher: I would suggest you don't do that.

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hearing voices doesn't necessarily make you nuts

68 [+ / -]     Feb 17, 2009

  • Religion Professor: I spend most of my time in the ancient world. I don't have TV or Internet. If you need to get in contact with me, meditate and speak with me and we can talk. I also am a compulsive liar because I like telling exciting stories about religion.

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now the trick is to stop thinking about them

70 [+ / -]     Feb 12, 2009

  • Professor: Are intellectual pleasures more satisfying than bodily pleasures? Okay, everyone think of your favorite bodily pleasure.
  • (class laughs)
  • Professor: Oh, I know what all of you are thinking.

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billmurraphobia: a fear of insignificant holidays

48 [+ / -]     Feb 04, 2009

  • Italian Teacher: Can someone please explain to me what Groundhog Day is?
  • Sorostitute: It's like all these paparazzi are around this groundhog and everyone makes a big deal about it, and the mayor of the town shows up, and it's supposed to say how cold it's going to be. It's just an excuse for Boondock, Pennsylvania to feel important.

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oh crap... i hear banjos!

165 [+ / -]     Feb 03, 2009

  • Professor: Last wednesday we discussed what a good argument would be for believing that Obama will succeed in office, today it will be the opposite.
  • (Professor waits for hands to go up)
  • Redneck: (eventually raising his hand) Well... he is black.
  • (The entire class looks at him)
  • Redneck: I'm only kidding, for Christ's sake, I was gonna vote for him if he wasn't a liberal... and a Muslim communist extremist.

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or maybe they were too busy getting a decent education

81 [+ / -]     Jan 27, 2009

  • Professor: So does anyone know why Rhode Island didn't send delegates to the convention?
  • Female Student: Because they were really little?
  • Fratty: Because they were an island. They didn't have cars.

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turns out it's death by non sequitur

22 [+ / -]     Jan 16, 2009

  • Fratty 1: That projector doesn't look safe. I wouldn't sit under it.
  • Fratty 2: Oh, I'm not. When I'm in a room I go ahead and look around to figure out all the ways the Final Destination movie would try to kill me.
  • Fratty 1: Oh... so did you get with that chick last night?

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che frattastica!

117 [+ / -]     Jan 10, 2009

  • Teacher: (in Italian) What are some of the physical attributes of an average UGA student?
  • (Students offer suggestions)
  • Teacher: (in Italian) Short hair, blond hair, medium height, sportive. What else?
  • Student: How do you say North Face in Italian?

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now, back to our discussion about the size of uranus...

555 [+ / -]     Dec 24, 2008

  • Student: So where does Europium come from?
  • Chemistry Teacher: (slowly) I don't have any opium...

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he's the oprah of rocks

215 [+ / -]     Dec 18, 2008

  • (First day of Honors Geology, after a student has just answered a question about plate tectonics)
  • Professor: That's correct. What's your previous experience with Earth Science?
  • Student: Bill Nye, sir.
  • Professor: What?
  • Student: You know, the Science Guy.

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a luxury he never had when he was young

29 [+ / -]     Dec 11, 2008

  • Professor: They are actually starting to make brain games that make kids more smarter.

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the world must be peopled

146 [+ / -]     Dec 11, 2008

  • Biology Teacher: This is what we call selective mating, how many of us mate with anyone we bump into?
  • (Pause)
  • Biology Teacher: Other than Friday and Saturday nights?

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