Quotes Filed Under "One-liners"


among other things

3 [+ / -]     Jun 21, 2009

  • (Two researchers are outside their building taking a smoke break)
  • Researcher 1: You know, I hear Splenda's bad for you.

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which, as it turns out, can lead to quite a career

-30 [+ / -]     Jun 08, 2009

  • Girl: So I went to the career fair the other day, but all I got was horniness.

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that explains the burning down there

91 [+ / -]     Jun 02, 2009

  • Prostitute: I used to be the toast of the town. I even had a pair of panties I got at K-Mart that said "toast of the town" right on the crotch.

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if you're lucky

-52 [+ / -]     Apr 17, 2009

  • Fratty: Sex? Isn't that spread orally?

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oh cum all ye faithful

-2 [+ / -]     Apr 06, 2009

  • Professor: What if God made your entire 80 year life like one extended orgasm? Wouldn't that just be awesome? I think it would. Orgasms are awesome.

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but not with anyone who heard that

146 [+ / -]     Apr 02, 2009

  • Sorostitute: Once I pass this kidney stone, I am going to have all kinds of sex.

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and the dog is in jail

-48 [+ / -]     Mar 31, 2009

  • Woman on cell: I can't go anywhere. He got a DUI, so now my car's in the pound.

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would that count has a hate crime?

-68 [+ / -]     Mar 23, 2009

  • Guy: (pissed about his Spanish test) If Spanish was a person and I had a 12 gauge, I'd blow his head off.

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a math lesson that won't be on the final

128 [+ / -]     Mar 22, 2009

  • Professor: Way way back I was teaching an intro class, and I get this Christmas card from a student that says, "Hope I get an A!" and has five hundred dollars in it. I tell the dean of students and he tells me to handle it on my own. So I get the student in my office, we talk about it, I give him back the three hundred dollars and that was that.

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easy come, easy go

12 [+ / -]     Mar 21, 2009

  • Freshman girl: You want to hear a really embarrassing story? At graduation, you know how you're supposed to throw your hat? I threw my diploma instead.

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let's hope god's grammar is better than his sense

-4 [+ / -]     Mar 21, 2009

  • Crazy homeless lady: You shole do got good sense... gooder sense than God got.

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patriotism is a bit different down there

-71 [+ / -]     Mar 16, 2009

  • Stoned Kid: Ya know what's a nice place? New Zealand, and they're weathering this storm pretty well. I mean, all they do is fuck sheep. If it came down to choosing between nuclear holocaust and fucking sheep, I'm totally fucking the sheep.

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unless of course they're heroin muffins

133 [+ / -]     Mar 16, 2009

  • Professor: Really the only thing that grows in Afghanistan is poppies. And there are only three things you can do with poppies - make poppy seed bagels, poppy seed muffins, and make heroin. And you aren't going to make a lot of money from the muffins.

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well, i did it on my own time and wasn't paid, but i swear it was a job

14 [+ / -]     Mar 14, 2009

  • Professor: So I had this job removing eyes from dead people... it was creepy as shit. That whole, "the eyes are the window to the soul" thing, yeah it messes you up. What if someone's soul just popped out while I was cutting the muscles around the eye?

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hope she scores a perfect 320%

20 [+ / -]     Mar 03, 2009

  • Sorostitute: So our final for that class is gonna be eight questions, which scares me because that means each one is worth, like, 40% of the test.

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we call that "opportunity management"

100 [+ / -]     Feb 24, 2009

  • Fratty: It's not really hit it and quit it. It's more like hit it, hit it, keep hitting it for a month... then quit it.

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no, we only accept anonymous forum posts and wikipedia

19 [+ / -]     Feb 24, 2009

  • Girl: If we find an article in a library, does it count as a scholarly source?

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as long as there is no grammar involved

-90 [+ / -]     Feb 03, 2009

  • Guy: Yeah, I always do good on standardized tests.

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mommy just can't let go of her little girl

86 [+ / -]     Feb 01, 2009

  • Girl on cell: Mom, oh my gosh, I told you... I'm not that girl anymore. I am not a slut anymore! Why can't you understand that?!

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its an olde storey

100 [+ / -]     Jan 07, 2009

  • Woman: (to daughter) I didn't work this hard raising you so you could dress like some whore who done run away from the fucking renaissance fair!

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i'm never eating at mcdonald's again

-29 [+ / -]     Dec 12, 2008

  • Guy: Yeah, basically you just do an Internet thing to learn how to cook everything. Its an easy job. You can come in high all the time.

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a luxury he never had when he was young

28 [+ / -]     Dec 11, 2008

  • Professor: They are actually starting to make brain games that make kids more smarter.

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you could bottle that kind of crazy

19 [+ / -]     Dec 09, 2008

  • Guy: He had some crazy ass name like John.

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six of one, a half dozen of the other

33 [+ / -]     Dec 09, 2008

  • (Holding a dozen egg container)
  • Guy: Hey, how many eggs are in this?

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and he had a tossed salad for lunch

66 [+ / -]     Dec 05, 2008

  • Professor: Asian-Americans were usually depicted in this way due to the taint of their reputations in World War II. Yes, I said taint. It used to mean something else.

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he's switching teams before the trade deadline

-54 [+ / -]     Nov 24, 2008

  • Straight Guy: (to girl) Can I hold the Living section? You can keep the sports.

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mother knows best

86 [+ / -]     Nov 24, 2008

  • Guy on cell: Yeah, man, I have a date lined up for every day next week. Oh, yeah, well, I already know she's gonna dump me Friday, and I can't do anything about it. Yeah, her friend told me. Well, I was tellin' my mom about it, and she said, "You're in Athens, though! There are way more girls than guys there, and they're all easy! You should just go out and get laid as much as possible, by lots of girls!" So I'm gonna do that.

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what happens when the change is $4.20?

7 [+ / -]     Nov 19, 2008

  • Redneck Clerk: $17.92 is your total. In 1792, Columbus sailed the ocean blue!

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the way to a woman's heart is through the parole office

28 [+ / -]     Nov 18, 2008

  • Girl: (to friend) Oh! You know who's really cute, and just got out of jail?

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because i was wondering if you could give me his number

80 [+ / -]     Nov 18, 2008

  • Sorostitute: (to roommate) So, you still dating that guy I hooked up with?

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google officially replaces dog as man's best friend

8 [+ / -]     Nov 17, 2008

  • Girl: (walking with two guys) I did look up "blow-job how to."

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get 'em young

13 [+ / -]     Nov 16, 2008

  • (A little girl in a stroller and her mother are passing by a news stand)
  • Little Girl: Look mommy, Obama!
  • (The mother quickly rushes past the news stand)

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that'll look good on a tombstone, too

20 [+ / -]     Nov 13, 2008

  • Random girl: When I die, I just wanna be like "bye, y'all" and flat line.

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the ties that bind

-46 [+ / -]     Nov 13, 2008

  • Guy on cell: Hey grandma! I'm about to go to work but I'm filling out info for student loans for when I go to Spain. I need two references and I used mom as the first, and you're next in line, so.... okay, great! How do you spell your first name? S-U-S-A-N. And what's your middle name?

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only 15 in a school zone

-30 [+ / -]     Nov 08, 2008

  • Girl: Hold on! Let me go get my goggles. I heard that cum comes out at 20 miles per hour.

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this is not a test... i repeat, this is not a test

71 [+ / -]     Nov 07, 2008

  • WatchDawgs guy fielding a call: I'm not a recording... really... you can talk directly to me.

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aren't they doing background checks yet?

142 [+ / -]     Nov 05, 2008

  • Professor (to a student who is texting): Show me what's between your legs!

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never trust anyone who can make marzipan from scratch

60 [+ / -]     Nov 05, 2008

  • Girl on Cell: I made some marzipan from scratch yesterday. My roommate said it tasted good, but I think she only flatters me because she's convinced I'd kill her in sleep otherwise. Not like I would. Everyone would think it was me anyway 'cause I'm black. Or crazy. Whateves.

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it's a bit more like solitaire

53 [+ / -]     Oct 31, 2008

  • Rider in Car 5: Masturbation is like spades. If you have a good hand you don't need a partner!

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not to mention his bestiality thing

161 [+ / -]     Oct 27, 2008

  • Guy: God, he's so far in the closet he's blowing the goat-man in Narnia.

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