Quotes Filed Under "One-liners"


zen and the art of hypocrisy

-15 [+ / -]     May 17, 2008

  • Girl: (to friend) No, no! Do not apologize for feeling that way. It is totally fine that we one day want to become like those girls we hate today. It's not the same. You can admit it.

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viagra vs. steroids, round 1, ding!

10 [+ / -]     May 17, 2008

  • Guy on cell: Don't fuck with me! I'm harder than your strongest erection!

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it's been even longer since she paused to breathe

54 [+ / -]     May 12, 2008

  • Sorostitute: I really want a muffin because they are so good. But I was on the phone with Momma one time in line here and I told her I was about to get a muffin. She said, "you know what happens to girls who eat muffins right? they get muffin tops." Then I looked over and this, like, huge girl was eating a muffin. So I was like, oh my gosh she's right. I haven't had a muffin in like six months.

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if they touch, they might both disappear

40 [+ / -]     May 11, 2008

  • Sorostitute: So she was just like, "Hey, I'm just gonna warn you. I know you're a Republican and that guy is gay... so be careful."

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that old five star just won't cut it anymore

1 [+ / -]     May 10, 2008

  • Student: (to classmate) John, you're gonna have to be more organized in the 6th grade!

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let me say it a few more times, maybe it'll make me even more stoned

25 [+ / -]     May 10, 2008

  • Fratty: Hey, do you guys have, like, liquid cheese dip? You, know, it's like cheese and stuff, but liquid... liquid cheese dip, you know.

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she must be thinking of the british spelling

-32 [+ / -]     May 10, 2008

  • Girl: (wearing pants that say "soccer" on the ass) Kiss my ass! All nine letters of it!

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the scary thing is it's plural

46 [+ / -]     May 09, 2008

  • Fratty: (to girl) Well, it was good to see you again. Good luck with your STDs.

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but then who would the nerds save?

6 [+ / -]     May 09, 2008

  • Girl: What is it about Princess Zelda? Why is that stupid bitch always getting herself in trouble? It happens a million times again and again. I wish she'd just get her head chopped off and end it.

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she's clearly learning to be critical

8 [+ / -]     May 07, 2008

  • (Three sorostitutes are talking after a logic and critical thinking class)
  • Sorostitute: So, ever since I've been at college, I've realized how totally immature girls in high school are... like for realz.

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unless it's a leap year

44 [+ / -]     May 06, 2008

  • Guy: Is Cinco de Mayo always on the fifth?

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except that it's harder to fall asleep on porn

68 [+ / -]     May 01, 2008

  • Mike Adams: Teaching is like pornography... it's difficult to define, but you know it when you see it.

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and you have a much lower chance of getting lucky

92 [+ / -]     Apr 30, 2008

  • Professor: The final is scheduled for friday from 7 to 10pm. So just think of it as a dinner date, only it's a final... and there won't be food.

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just wishful thinking

-15 [+ / -]     Apr 29, 2008

  • Office Email: I have had several members of the faculty ask me if Dr. Lowe's
    retirement party was still to be held tomorrow evening. The External
    Affairs Committee has cancelled the event because Dr. Lowe will be
    with us next year. Sorry for the confusion.

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perhaps they should call it the clinton monument

36 [+ / -]     Apr 28, 2008

  • Anthropology Professor: The Washington Monument is an extremely... phallic... sculpture, in that it is very long, and straight... and... hard.

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9 out of 10 statisticians agree. the 10th one died.

37 [+ / -]     Apr 28, 2008

  • Tate Preacher: Death is the number one killer of all people. Ten out of ten people will die.

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