Top rated quotes


#1   how to spot an out-of-towner 101

182 [+ / -]     Feb 12, 2008

  • Guy: Someone has made a mistake with my order... I did NOT ask for chili on my hot dogs!
  • (Varsity guy mumbles something about a naked dog)
  • Guy: What did you call me? I DEMAND to speak to your manager!

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#2   better get used to it, kids

179 [+ / -]     Mar 14, 2008

  • Bum: (sitting on ground outside MARTA station) Spare change?
  • (Mom tries to hurry her two kids past him)
  • Little Boy: Wow, a homeless person! We learned about these in social studies!
  • Little Girl: I never thought I'd actually get to see one in real life!

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#3   sounds like he's under pressure

145 [+ / -]     Mar 19, 2008

  • Bum: (outside MARTA station) Spare change? Spare change?
  • (He breaks into a perfect David Bowie imitation)
  • Bum: Ch-ch-ch-changes! Turn and face the train! Changes!

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#4   what's the difference between the lunch the dinner menu again?

118 [+ / -]     Mar 26, 2008

  • Girl: Ooh look, an Ethiopian restaurant!
  • Guy: So they serve... nothing?

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#5   "...your intelligence is about to be towed"

108 [+ / -]     Feb 17, 2008

  • Guy On Intercom: (reading a tag number) A as in apple... R as in Richard... Q as in cucumber...

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#6   and they were on sale!

104 [+ / -]     Feb 16, 2008

  • Mom: Guess what I got in Atlanta yesterday?
  • Teen Daughter: Herpes?
  • Mom: No, I got... wait, what?

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#7   at least she won't be flying the plane

100 [+ / -]     Feb 13, 2008

  • (Waiting at the gate of a delayed flight, passengers start to talk to each other)
  • Buckhead Mom: So where are you all headed?
  • Ghetto Lady: L.A. You?
  • Buckhead Mom: New Zealand.
  • Ghetto Lady: New Zealand? Where's that?
  • Buckhead Mom: It's the country next to Australia.
  • Ghetto Lady: What?! When did they add that?!
  • (pause)
  • Buckhead Mom: So why are you going to L.A.?
  • Ghetto Lady: I just got a job teaching high school!

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#8   college is about learning to cope

84 [+ / -]     Apr 27, 2008

  • Fratty: I black out every time I drink, I've decided it's just part of drinking now.
  • Sorostitute: Um, that's not normal!
  • Fratty: I'm okay with it, lets take a shot.

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#9   turns out beggars CAN be choosers

74 [+ / -]     Feb 28, 2008

  • Beggar Lady: Does anyone have any change so I can eat?
  • (Guy starts putting nickels and pennies down on the seat for her)
  • Beggar Lady: No, no, I don't take pennies.

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#10   remember kids, alcohol reduces your inhibitions

73 [+ / -]     Feb 25, 2008

  • Emory Guy: (inside a car, yelling to two girls in the parking lot) Hey, we're going to a dance party, wanna come?
  • Drunk Girl: We cant just get in a car with strangers!
  • Emory Guy: We're gonna get high!
  • Drunk Girl: Okay!

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#11   this post brought to you by smart people. and france.

68 [+ / -]     Nov 05, 2008

  • Black Girl: I can't believe I only attract Middle Eastern business men with foot fetishes.
  • Asian Girl: That's not true, what about that guy that worked at the Iranian embassy in D.C.?
  • Black Girl: Sweetie, Iran is the Middle East. You're Asian! Why aren't you smarter?
  • Asian Girl: Wait, is that where Iraq is?
  • Black Girl: For real? Are you for serious?! I need smarter friends. And a croissant.

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#12   after all, what's wrong with spreading a little joy?

65 [+ / -]     Sep 13, 2008

  • Woman on cell: I'm just tired of her shoving her happiness down everyone's throats.
  • Man walking past: I'd like to shove my happiness down your throat.

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#13   just think, the future of our children is in her hands

62 [+ / -]     Feb 12, 2008

  • Female Teacher: I don't know why they made such a big deal out of me saying Ben Franklin was a president. It's an easy mistake to make. I mean, he's on the twenty-dollar bill.

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#14   there might be a good reason for the memory loss

60 [+ / -]     Jun 13, 2008

  • Sorostitute: Me and Kim were talking and we're both tired of you blacking out and getting thrown out of the bar.
  • Fratty: Please! I can't remember the last time I got thrown out of a bar.

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#15   hungers mcgee and the case of the gay waffle

57 [+ / -]     Mar 12, 2008

  • Man: (to Waffle House waitress) Ma'am, my waffle has glitter on it.

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#16   yeah, in about 20 years

56 [+ / -]     Feb 23, 2008

  • Auburn Student: We just finished learning about World War I in my history class.
  • UGA Student: And...
  • Auburn Student: At the end of the lecture my professor asked, "any questions?" A girl raised her hand and asked, "so what about Hitler and the Nazis, aren't we going to talk about them?"

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#17   take it from someone with more experience

56 [+ / -]     Sep 01, 2008

  • Freshman: I want to try everything at least once while I'm in college.
  • Older Kid Walking By: Gay!

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#18   look but don't touch, but neither when you with your better half

48 [+ / -]     Oct 16, 2008

  • Black Girl: She's a hoe.
  • Asian Guy: How can you tell?
  • Black Girl: I can see her thong through her dress.
  • Asian Guy: Well to me, that says available.
  • Black Girl: Excuse me?
  • Asian Guy: (falters) You know... if I wasn't with you. I love you.
  • Black Girl: Shut the fuck up and get me a drink.

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#19   i'd shake your hand, but...

47 [+ / -]     Apr 25, 2008

  • Stagehand: Between my television shows and all the Internet porn out there, it's really tough to get anything done during the day.

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#20   como se dice "dumbass?"

42 [+ / -]     Feb 26, 2008

  • Businessman on cell: What do you call 2 mex... (pauses and looks around) ...icans playing basketball?
  • (pause)
  • Businessman: Juan on Juan!

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#21   let's just say he created some people more equal than others

41 [+ / -]     Apr 21, 2008

  • Guy in Theater: If God is just then Brad Pitt has a small penis.

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#22   he's working on his dissertation as we speak

41 [+ / -]     Sep 10, 2008

  • Homeless Guy: Excuse me, can you spare some change for some psychedelic research?

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#23   and if you look out the window to your left, you'll catch a glimpse of the gays in their natural habitat

41 [+ / -]     Sep 14, 2008

  • (Train stops and people start exiting)
  • Drunk Girl: What? Where are we? Is this my stop?
  • Gay Guy: This is the Midtown exit.
  • Drunk Girl: It is? How do you know?
  • Gay Guy: See all the gays departing the train here? That's how you know it's the Midtown station.

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#24   open mouth. insert foot, preferably wearing all-stars.

40 [+ / -]     Feb 14, 2008

  • (Woman sees Little Old Lady sitting in a wheelchair waiting for her ride. The old lady is wearing Converse All-Stars that look like they're made out of tennis ball material)
  • Woman: Your shoes are so cute!
  • Little Old Lady: Yeah, they're really comfortable.
  • (Woman looks at wheelchair)
  • Woman: Bet you don't get them dirty!

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#25   she as well be saving up barcodes from cereal boxes

36 [+ / -]     Feb 21, 2008

  • (Poor Lady is walking up and down the train asking for change to buy food)
  • Poor Lady: Can you spare 25 cents, sir?
  • Fratty: Sorry, I dont have any change.
  • Poor Lady: Is that one of 'em iPods?
  • Fratty: Yes, ma'am.
  • Poor Lady: How much one of 'em cost?
  • Fratty: 'Bout $200.
  • Poor Lady: Ooh, child... I've got to save my money to buy one of 'em things.

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